Fighting the Wrong Battle
If the church is against divorce, why are the statistics for divorce the same inside the church as outside of it?
Needless to say, being a single mom in the church is taboo, but how do they get there? More often than not, when a woman seeks counsel from a pastor or a Christian lay counselor, she is told to fight harder for her marriage. Here are some things women have reported being told by their faith communities upon seeking spiritual advice for a breaking marriage:
1. Pray more.
2. Forgive and forget
3. If he has wandering eyes, be a competitor and fight for your man.
4. If you separate, communication will only get worse and the marriage will have less of a chance of survival.
5. You should never speak negatively about your husband.
6. Are you speaking his love language? (That sounds eerily similar to, “If you would just do what he needs then he would treat you better”).
If these are the things the church tells women to do, and if the women work harder and harder with no results, why then are the women held in contempt when the marriage fails?
Here is a hard truth that the church would be wise to understand: People who don’t want to be rehabilitated, won’t be. Trying to pray a husband into behaving differently isn’t a wife’s job.
What is the right battle?
Many women believe that if a man goes to church faithfully, serves on a ministry team, or goes to a Christian school, then he is a godly man or will be a good husband. Let’s face it, Christian women look for husbands inside the faith community, and we should. But the faith community is also one of the easiest places for abusers to hide because women in that setting are often taught that they are responsible for the success of their marriages and the happiness of their husbands. That, along with misappropriation of the idea of submission, is one of the most dangerous relational teachings in the modern church.
As one of my former pastors always says, “Sitting in a church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than sitting in a garage makes you a Chevy.” We need to be teaching our daughters what a godly man really looks like, how to spot toxic traits early on, and what each spouse’s role really is. Here are some activities that can help draw out each person’s personality and problem-solving style:
1. Get pre-engagement counseling. Yep, you read that right--pre-engagement counseling. Start getting advice as a couple before you get engaged, because once the invitations go out, many people will not retract them, even if huge red flags show up in pre-marital counseling.
2. Live life together. Date, at minimum, for one year. In person. Many people can hide selfishness and toxic traits for about a year, but not many can do it for much longer. Remember, a person who is abusive or selfish is not likely to be changed by you, so if he shows several traits that don’t line up with a healthy relationship that you would have with any other person, it’s time to move on. Some things you can do together are:
Cook dinner
Clean up after cooking dinner/do chores
Speak up when he says or does something that makes you uncomfortable. Clarify how it makes you feel and give him a chance to respond. If you hear things like, “You’re just sensitive,” “You took that the wrong way,” or “Can’t you take a joke?” and it happens as a pattern and not just a one off, re-think the relationship.
Meet his family outside of a holiday. Watch how they treat each other and you. Do they include you? Do they ask you questions about yourself? Do they share your values? Most importantly, what does your body tell you when you are with them? It’s normal to be a little nervous when you first meet his family, but if that feeling stays, your body is telling you something. Listen to it.
Get stressed! Don’t avoid stressful situations because this is where you will find out how you each handle stress and things that are out of your control.
3. Go to a healthy church. I recommend one with both male and female leadership, and one that teaches the hard, Biblical truths about relationships and godly expectations. Leadership, not dominance, should be key.
4. Listen to those who know you best. Your close friends and family members have a unique, outside view of the relationship. What are you hearing them say about him? About you with him? Are you able to be yourself? If you are changing, is it for your good and in a godly direction? The people wo know you best are great barometers--take them seriously if they see red flags.
Church, we are fighting the marriage battle too late! Let’s teach the next generation about healthy partnerships before they end up in a situation where divorce is the only answer.