Many women leave their churches during a high-conflict divorce because they feel betrayed, forgotten, or even blamed for their abuser’s behavior. The truth is, the church often does not know how to respond to a divorce, and neither do most of our Christian friends. They often do not see the abuse, so they do not know who to support and they try to remain neutral. They are completely unaware that neutrality is taking the side of the abuser. However, we cannot expect pastors and church leaders to know how to respond to abuse. That is not what they are trained for or gifted in, so in addition to seeking spiritual counsel from our church leaders, we also need to seek help from trained, trauma-informed counselors.

Many women are blamed for leaving an abuser, or shamed in the church for not being able to “keep her husband.” Though this may have been your experience, it is not a reflection of God but of humans. Another person’s behavior is not your responsibility, and a leader who knows the heart of the Lord will never hold you responsible for that. There are churches out there that provide a supportive environment, and I encourage you to seek that out instead of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. By leaving the faith community altogether, we lose any chance of being helped by our churches, and the belief that the Church won’t help us becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If they can’t find us, how can they help us?

If you have experienced this, my heart goes out to you. Here is a sermon by Pastor Jack Stepp, who explains the Biblical outline for forgiveness and reconciliation. I encourage you to listen. The first part is about forgiveness, but wait for the gold at the end and know that there are Christian leaders who have compassion for the abandoned.

My hope is that you will remain in community and that the resources I provide will show you that healthy attitudes within the Church not only exist but are waiting for you to experience them.