Her Story, Our Story

When my marriage started to become really confusing and I began to step out and ask questions of other married women, I began to realize that my marriage was drastically different from theirs. One reason I didn’t know that was because of isolation. The way I was isolated was that my husband would get very upset if he ever knew I was talking about anything he did or said, even things that seemed completely innocuous. I didn’t want him to be angry with me, which usually resulted in a silent treatment, so his anger caused me to keep my questions to myself. That is, until I found the tape recorders and prescription drugs. Even I knew that wasn’t right.

I told these things to a friend and she asked me if I had ever been to a group session at our local domestic violence shelter. Of course I hadn’t! Why would I go there? He wasn’t beating me. She encouraged me to go anyway, and the seriousness in her voice convinced me to call.

I ended up going to the next support group session, feeling very out of place. It started with the women telling their stories, and within the first couple of sentences, I was sobbing. Every woman in that circle told my story. Yes, some of them had experienced physical violence (I had not), but all of them experienced the fear of making their husbands angry, the silent treatments, the financial secrets, and more. When my turn came, I was sobbing so hard I could not lift my head. I realized I was in a domestic abuse situation, and I had to admit it.

After everyone had taken a turn telling their story and the counselor gave some words of encouragement and advice, I remained in my seat with my head tucked as far as it would go into my chest. I learned later that what I was experiencing was called shame. Even in this group, I could not lift up my eyes. The ladies filed out, each one stopping to put a hand on my shoulder and tell me she understood. When I was left alone, the counselor came and sat down next to me. She handed me the diagram below and called it the “Power and Control Wheel.” It changed my life.

https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control

I failed to realize that no one could see what was happening at home because it didn’t happen anywhere else. Abusers don’t mistreat their wives in church pews. I also realized that it was not reasonable for me to live with being recorded, so I asked my husband to stay with his parents while we worked things out. I didn’t want to be divorced, but I could not live under surveillance. He refused, so I told him I would have to file for separation.

He responded by telling me that if I filed for separation, he would divorce me. At this point, I had been a stay-at-home mom for nearly 16 years, and he knew if he divorced me I would be financially devastated. Still, I could not live like that, so I went through with it, threats and all.

What I later learned was that people who love you don’t threaten you. It is clear now that he was unhappy and looking for a way to be apart from me while making it my fault. He succeeded. To my utter surprise, many people blamed me for breaking up my family. The reality is that most people do not understand domestic abuse.

The next graphic I was given by the local domestic violence shelter was this one: The “Equality Wheel”. It also changed my life.

This graphic - and a LOT of counseling - has helped me filter out abusive people, both male and female, and has shown me what loving people act like. Today, my friend group is smaller but more genuine and healthy.

Please share these graphics with anyone you think might benefit from them.