Why Won’t She Just Leave?
If you have ever wondered why women don’t “just leave” abusive partners, it’s simple: It is exponentially more difficult and dangerous to be apart from them than it is to be with them, especially if there are children involved. At least when we are with them, we can have some control over what our kids are hearing, doing, being exposed to. We can protect them. This is why we stay. Abusers are fully aware that we know the courts will not be able to protect us. PPO’s and court orders are only as good as the paper they are written on. Abusers will push every limit, drag us through court, rape us financially and sap our energy. Here’s how:
1. Abusers don’t follow rules. They are anti-social (they don’t conform to society). They may be given an order by the court, but they won’t follow it. They will dangle our kids from a cliff and laugh about it until we spend the money to go back to court and get another order that they won’t follow. It’s a never-ending, ever-losing battle. Further, the police will not come to domestic abuse situations. They do not want to deal with that. So even though the courts might put something in place, abusers still get away with neglect, control, and other heinous activities with no repercussions, and they know it. That’s how they keep us trapped.
2. Abusers lie. Abusers will never take responsibility for what they do. Sometimes I think they don’t really know what they are doing. Clearly a person in his right mind would never hurt another human, so I have to wonder if all abusers are mentally ill in some way. Have you ever tried to have a reasonable conversation with an unreasonable person? Exactly. Their reality is so distorted that they say what they see and try to make others believe it. They tell friends, family members, and pastors that you are doing what they are actually doing, and unfortunately, many will believe it. The public life of an abuser is a far cry from their private life with you. They show up to church, maybe even serve on committees. They go on mission trips and show up to sporting events. Abusers don’t abuse their wives in church pews, folks. And they know that when we leave, they can continue the abuse with lies.
3. Abusers know their victims. Abusers know that a mother will do anything for her children, so in order to hurt her for leaving him or telling people about the abuse, he will hurt her children. He will neglect them, buy them, adopt a totally different parenting style that confuses them, be immoral in front of them, expose them to pornography and drugs, and scare or sometimes even physically or sexually harm them. He will take their family home just to get their mother to feel the pain of her children’s loss, and he will cause so much grief and pain that they can’t concentrate in school. He will even let his own children fail, and all to make their mother crazy with pain for her children. Then the mother will spend her time and brain space documenting, using the parenting apps, calling her attorney, filing complaints, finding the right words, and losing sleep with worry over the safety of her children. Abusers love that.
Hopefully, this gives you some insight into why women stay with abusive partners. Our goal is to be safe and to keep our children safe, and keeping the enemy close is sometimes the only way to achieve that.
**If you know someone who is in an abusive situation, please contact your local domestic abuse center BEFORE trying to help her. Even though you want to help, you can put her and her children in more danger if it is not done properly. This national hotline is a good place to start.