Dos and Don’ts for Interacting with the Suddenly Single Woman

DO:

  • Acknowledge my loss. Even if you say something that you don’t feel is quite right, saying nothing makes it seem like my loss is insignificant to those around me. Try statements like:

    • “I’m really sorry about what happened.”

    • “Would you like to talk about it?”

    • “Is there anything I can do?”

    • “This really stinks. I can’ t imagine what you are going through.”

  • Offer to help. There are probably a lot of things that were in my husband’s wheelhouse that I know nothing about, such as car and home maintenance.

  • Offer to babysit if I have kids at home. I will be spending a lot of time at a lawyer’s office, in court, and simply alone with my emotions. Childcare is among the most valuable ways you can help me reorient in the chaos.

  • Offer to go with me to meet with my lawyer or go to court. If you are unfamiliar with the inside of a courtroom, it can be very intimidating, especially if the person taking you there is abusive or ready to lie. I will need support, and the court allows the public to observe hearings.

  • Encourage me. I will likely feel abandoned, lonely, scared, and unworthy.

  • Call me regularly for a while. I may have gone from a house full of family to being completely alone many days out of the week. I will need to hear a friend’s voice.

  • Give me a hug. I may go days without any physical touch, and that will add to my loneliness. A simple hug will let me know you care.

  • Invite me to go places with you. Church is a very family-oriented place, and most events are structured for families. You don’t have to include me in everything, but ask me to go with you sometimes. Not just to meet you there, but to be a part of your group for the event.

Don’t:

  • Don’t ignore the fact that my family just fell apart.

  • Don’t say, “At least you still have…” Nothing can replace my family, and I need to grieve that.

  • Don’t be afraid that you will “catch” divorce from me. I am not a bad influence just because my husband left me or I had to leave him due to abuse.

  • Don’t assume I will reach out for help or connection, especially at first. I need you to come toward me.

  • Don’t take it personally if I seem selfish or can’t give of my time right now. I have gaping wounds to repair.

  • Don’t judge me for being divorced or for making the “wrong” choice in a spouse. I am not responsible for someone else’s actions.

  • Don’t ask how I’m doing unless you want an honest answer. My story is ugly.

  • Don’t try to cheer me up just because you are uncomfortable with my sadness. Allow me to grieve, and grieve with me.

  • Don’t assume things are going to get better in the near future. My whole life just turned upside down, and I will need support for a long time.

  • Don’t tell me to trust in the Lord. In the coming months and years, I will be forced to trust in the Lord more than you can imagine. Trusting Him does not mean I will not grieve or question.

  • Don’t stop offering help or companionship. I may not know what I need right away, or I may feel overwhelmed by being around other intact families. Keep asking!

  • Don’t put unrealistic expectations on me to follow a textbook plan of parenting when I can barely understand my current state of things.

  • Don’t assume I did something to deserve being left or cheated on. No one deserves that.

  • Don’t assume I am financially stable just because I receive child support. Child support is never enough to raise a child.

  • Don’t tell me what a jerk he is; it doesn’t help at all.

  • Don’t make decisions for my children without consulting me. I do not have a husband, but that doesn’t negate my parental authority.