What Can Your Faith Community Do for Abandoned Women?

Many people in my faith community have asked me what they can or should do when a woman in the church has been abandoned by her husband. Please share this with your faith community so they can support these women who desperately need it.

6 Things You Can Do

When a woman’s husband dies, she gets meals for three months and babysitting for six. For free. The women’s ministry sends sympathy cards for her loss and people come around her with groceries, money, and flowers. When a woman’s husband leaves her…silence. Sometimes blame. No one seems to know what to do, so they tend to scatter. This response is causing a great number of women to leave the church.  

Here are some things the church can do to help in her time of great need.

 1.      Set up a meal train.

A woman who has been left by her husband is experiencing the same grief, loss, and trauma as the widow, only she doesn’t get time off or mounds of support. In fact, she has to kick it into full gear, find a job if she doesn’t have one, pay for childcare, maybe even move to a new home. These things cost time, money, and energy, and she has to do them while going through her own grieving process, and with no partner. It is an increased burden with decreased support, like making the same quota of bricks with no allotment of straw. Making a meal for her and her kids, or dropping off some groceries, would not only free up some of her time and energy, it would also feed hungry bellies and help her financially. And the best part—you would be adding to her woefully low love tank.

 2.      Be available.

Many women who are left by their husbands are caught off guard, so they are usually in shock for a while. It is hard to process all that has happened in a short amount of time and the loss that feels like a giant hole where their family used to be. They have to navigate the court system and allow people into their kids’ lives that they never would have invited. It’s stressful and terrifying. I promise you won’t “catch” divorce if you hang out with her or watch her kids. The only thing you might risk is being accused of “taking sides,” so be ready for that. Take her to coffee. Invite her for a walk. She may need to talk or just have someone hug her, especially on that first weekend without her kids.

 3.      Be kind.

The single mom probably doesn’t want to be single, and even if she was the one to file for separation or divorce, often it is because of things that had been happening to her over a long period of time. The divorce typically happens long before the paper is signed. Being the initiator doesn’t mean she wanted the divorce or that she deserves it. Does anyone deserve to be abandoned, to miss out on holidays with their kids, or to have to change their whole lives so suddenly? Instead of treating her like she is wearing a scarlet letter, smile at her, pray for her, sit with her at church. This would also be a good time for another hug.

 4.      Stop the gossip.

Often these women are feeling embarrassed, alone, and afraid. It is likely people are saying things about the situation that aren’t true. If you hear something that sounds out of character for that woman, it probably is. Be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. If you hear something that makes you uncomfortable, go to her and ask her about it. Often these women have not told you anything about their marriages because they are ashamed to have made a bad choice or stayed in a bad situation, so you may be surprised at the things she reveals when asked. Listen and believe her. No one sits around and makes this stuff up.

 5.      Invite her over for a holiday.

Imagine for a moment Christmas morning. Excitement fills the air as your kids come downstairs in their matching PJ’s. You are cooking breakfast with your spouse and putting finishing touches on the stockings. Even the dog knows he’s going to get special treats that day. Now imagine the single mom whose kids are with their dad for Christmas or whose traditions were all with her ex’s family. Imagine your house going from full to empty in one fell swoop. Just like the widow, these can be the loneliest and saddest times. It is a reminder that their family dreams have ended, and it is often very depressing.

 Don’t assume someone has already asked her over. Don’t assume she has her own family to spend the holidays with. Invite her to celebrate with you. She may say “no,” but she will appreciate your thinking of her.

 *A quick note: Women who have been abused tend to isolate when they feel sad or lonely, often because the ones who were supposed to take care of them were the ones who hurt them. They feel it is safer to be alone. Don’t let this deter you. Don’t take it personally and try again on a different occasion.

 6.      Ask how you can help in practical ways.

When I was in the separation process, my friend’s husband contacted me and told me that he and some other men from our church had a ministry of helping women in practical ways. He asked me if I needed anything done around the house. I instantly thought of the cracked plaster on my living room walls, and I told him I would like to fix them. So he and his crew came over and we went to work together repairing the cracks and replacing the trim. I learned how to cut, nail, and caulk trim that day, and together we made my living room an inviting place for guests. In the following months, different neighbors and friends taught me how to change doorknobs, helped me with my lawnmower, and did some heavy lifting I could not do myself. From this, I learned practical skills and felt the love of Jesus through these sacrificial acts.

 BONUS: Here’s a “don’t” to add to your “do’s”: Don’t ignore the fact that the divorce happened. My first Christmas after our separation, I received a Christmas card from a family we had known for a long time. We had walked with and prayed for this family through many things. The card was addressed only to me and my kids, showing that the family knew of the split. I opened the card to find a regular Christmas greeting. There was no mention of the divorce, no sympathy for the complete loss of my family and traditions only two months earlier. It was as if it didn’t matter to them at all that my family had just imploded, and it completely negated that Christmas greeting.

We would never fail to acknowledge the death of a child or spouse, or some other major life change, so don’t gloss over this one, even if you don’t know what to say. Just saying you’re sorry and asking what you can do to help means the world. 

Please feel free to share if you found this information helpful!

 As always, if you know a woman who is in a domestic abuse situation, contact a local domestic violence organization for practical tips on how to help her get safe.