Is This Really Grace?
Last night, I attended an event for my friend’s ministry, Single Women of Hope. It was Part One of a two-part series on self-defense, and last night’s presentation was about being aware of our surroundings. We talked about some pretty scary stuff. There are bad people out there whom we need to know how to encounter. We were mostly talking about strangers in parking lots and bathroom stalls, but here’s an interesting scenario that was brought up:
Suppose you are a single woman in a public place with a bunch of people you know from your faith community. You feel pretty safe, right? One of the young men gets angry when you address his behavior (which involves your son), and he decides to get in your face, yelling at you, calling you names, and making a spectacle. Since you are a woman who is aware of her surroundings, you have already noticed that there is a large crowd of men near you. You also begin to notice that everyone is just standing there watching the whole thing. You do all the right things: 1) Look the kid in the eye so he knows you can identify him later, 2) Try to create space by telling him to go away, 3) Look a bystander in the eye and ask him directly for help in getting the kid away from you. Still, no one helps. After asking for help from the same person three times, he shyly coaxes the kid off to the side.
Once you are outside in the dark parking lot, the altercation continues. You are trying to address the situation, but he’s over the edge by now. And this teammate is not really a kid. He is 18 and demanding that you talk to him like an adult. At this point, the best thing to do would be to call 911 and let him have adult consequences. But what are the repercussions of protecting yourself in your faith community?
When we are outside of our faith communities (for example, at a mall or a movie theater), there is no question that we would see a scenario like that and view it as wrong, even potentially dangerous. We, as Christians, would, at the very least, walk away praying for the safety of that woman and the salvation of the young man. Our men might even step in, or someone might call the police.
However, within the faith community, everything is different.
The above scenario actually happened to me about a month ago. The kid was not disciplined, his parents never told, no apology to his team for the behavior that started this whole thing. He remained on the team, played in the finals, and was awarded accolades at the end of the season. And it was never addressed because they were “trying to have grace.”
It seems the attitude about men in the faith community is that they are leaders, but the attitude toward single women in the faith community is that they are “not my responsibility.” So the men are only leaders when it comes to their own families? What did that event teach the young men who were watching? That it is ok to treat a woman like that. That they don’t need to protect someone who is not their own mother, sister, wife.
I asked the coach’s wife later why no one did anything and her response was, “He’s not our kid.”
After telling this story last night and asking what I could have done differently, one of the women piped up and said that her husband is a referee for high school sports and when these things happen, they are supposed to make a formal report to the Athletic Director. Foiled again. Homeschool sports do not have Athletic Directors. They have a board that operates on “grace.”
Faith/homeschool community, pay attention: If we do not put something in place to keep parents and kids accountable for bad behavior, someone might come along who actually does something about it. We could have our freedoms ripped way from us through laws or lawsuits that force accountability.
Grace does not mean not addressing sin. It is mercy to address sin because it is how we teach our kids about God and the laws God has established. It is not anti-Christian to protect yourself or to speak up. In fact, it is an injustice to allow our kids to get away with sin.
I often wonder these days…if parents and coaches can’t even stand up to children, how are we going to stand in the end times we keep talking about?