Chapter 1
IN THIS LESSON . . .
Learn ways to communicate understanding and compassion to abandoned women in your church by using these Do’s and Don’ts.
Do:
Acknowledge her loss. Lack of acknowledgement makes it seem like her loss is insignificant. If you feel uncomfortable about a break-up, imagine how the involved parties feel. Try statements like:
“I’m really sorry about what happened.”
“Would you like to talk about it?”
“What can I do for you right now?”
“This is really hard. I can’t imagine what you are going through.”
Offer to help. There are probably a lot of things that were in her husband’s wheelhouse that she knows nothing about, such as car and home maintenance. And before you say, “You don’t need a man,” that’s not the point. Try to imagine having to suddenly take on your spouse’s roles; it’s overwhelming, to say the least. It’s baffling how many people one has to recruit to do the jobs your spouse would have done.
Offer to watch her kids. She will be spending a lot of time at a lawyer’s office, in court, and trying to figure out her emotions. Divorce is time-consuming and mentally draining. Not only is divorce one of the worst things a person can go through, but she’s going through it without her life partner by her side. If she didn’t work previously, she will likely have to find a job, and childcare is among the most valuable ways you can help her feel supported.
Offer to go with her to meet with my lawyer or go to court. If you are unfamiliar with the inside of a courtroom, it can be very intimidating, especially if the person taking you there is abusive or ready to lie. She will need support, and the court allows the public to observe hearings.
Encourage her. She will likely feel abandoned, lonely, scared, and unworthy.
Call her regularly for a while. She may have gone from a house full of family to being completely alone many days out of the week. She will need to hear a friend’s voice.
Give her a hug. She may go days without any physical touch, and that will add to her loneliness. A simple hug will let her know you care.
Invite her to go places with you. Church is a very family-oriented place, and most events are structured for families. You don’t have to include her in everything, but ask her to go with you sometimes. Not just to meet you there, but to be a part of your group for an event or outing.
Don’t:
Don’t say, “At least you still have…” Nothing can replace her family, and she needs to grieve that.
Don’t be afraid that you will “catch” divorce from her. She is not a bad influence just because her husband left her or she had to leave her marriage due to abuse. She is not after your husband or desperate for a new man. Give her grace.
Don’t assume she will reach out for help or connection, especially at first. She needs you to come toward her.
Don’t take it personally if she seems selfish or can’t give of her time right now. She has gaping wounds to repair.
Don’t judge her for being divorced or for making the “wrong” choice in a spouse. She is not responsible for someone else’s actions.
Don’t ask how she’s doing unless you want an honest answer. Divorce is ugly.
Don’t try to cheer her up just because you are uncomfortable with her sadness. Allow her to grieve, and grieve with her.
Don’t assume things are going to get better in the near future. Her whole life just turned upside down, and she will need support for a long time.
Don’t tell her to trust in the Lord without walking with her to do so. In the coming months and years, she will be forced to trust in the Lord more than you can imagine. Trusting Him does not mean she will not grieve or question.
Don’t stop offering help or companionship. She may not know what she needs right away, or she may feel overwhelmed and sad by being around other intact families. Keep asking!
Don’t put unrealistic expectations on her to follow a textbook plan of parenting when she can barely understand her current state of things. She may have to reprioritize discipline when dealing with an uncooperative ex-spouse. Give her grace and educate yourself on what parental alienation looks like.
Don’t assume she did something to deserve being left or cheated on. No one deserves that.
Don’t assume she is financially stable just because she receives child support. Child support is never enough to raise a child.
Don’t tell her what a jerk he is; it doesn’t help at all.
Don’t make decisions for her children without consulting her. She does not have a husband, but that doesn’t negate her parental authority.
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Can you:
Identify abandoned women in your church?
Have you:
Reached out or asked a staff member to do so?
Will you:
Commit to getting to know her and supporting her in the first six months of being alone?