Five Confusing Behaviors of Abusers (And Their Unintentional Products)
Here I will discuss five common behaviors of abusers, what healthy partnership looks like, and the type of abuse each situation displays. This, of course, is not an exhaustive list, but they are behaviors many women will find they experienced within an unhealthy relationship. I hope someone is able to gain understanding through this article.
*Names have been changed to protect identity.
1.They do not follow their own rules.
If you separate or divorce, they won’t hold to their own rules that they held you to in the marriage, but will tell everyone how strict and controlling you were.
Real Life Example:
Emily’s* husband required her to follow a strict budget, keep all of her receipts, log them into a separate spreadsheet, and never move money between accounts or envelopes. She often wondered why he didn’t log his receipts, but when confronted he always had an excuse. At times, he would burst into the room while she was reconciling the budget and tell her he was going to take over the budgeting because she could not do it right. A baffled Emily would step away from that role, only to be charged with it again later. Since she was frequently accused of not doing it “right”, she became hyper-diligent and fearful of making mistakes.
After their divorce, her husband, who had doubled his salary, did not follow a budget at all and convinced the kids that mom “just wanted everyone to do things her way.” He also developed severe financial problems, while Emily, continuing to use their budgeting system post-divorce but without fear and stress, managed to pay her attorney, their daughter’s college tuition, their son’s sports fees, and buy a home, all on a part-time job and child/spousal support. In retrospect, the Unintentional Product of this behavior was that he actually helped his victim become financially independent after leaving her, while he sank into financial ruin by not following his own rules.
Let’s Discuss
Emily’s husband told her what to do instead of having a discussion with her about roles.
He punished her by taking away her responsibility, as if it were a parent-child relationship.
Instead of noticing that Emily needed help (she didn’t, but go with me for the sake of discussion) and coming alongside her to meet their budgeting goals as partners, he chipped away at her self-esteem.
How is Partnership Different?
Partners discuss roles. One person making the decisions and doling out jobs is a red flag.
Partners ask questions about why things don’t seem to be working as discussed. Again, discussion MUST precede this. Punishment is a red flag.
Partners come alongside so they can each use each other’s strengths to build the entire relationship up instead of pointing out another’s weakness and using it to damage her self-esteem. A house divided against itself will fall, as demonstrated in this real-life example.
Types of Abuse:
This example shows financial, verbal, and emotional abuse.
2. They act completely differently in front of others than in private.
This is so confusing, as they may not show empathy or help around the house, but in public they will do all of these things. Post-divorce, this façade makes it hard to believe the victim’s story if she ever tries to speak up, and is a tool for gaining support from the family court/taking support from her.
Real Life Example:
Kristen’s* husband claimed to be an introvert. He did not like to be talked to in the morning, as he needed time to wake up. He said he was not awake until 10am. She honored that by talking to him as little as possible as he got ready for work. He also did not like to be talked to after work, as he said he needed time to wind down. This was harder for Kristen; she was an extrovert and craved time with others. She was depleted from being with the kids all day, as that is not the same as having adult interaction. But she still tried to honor his request. One night per week, they had a date night which involved sending the kids to bed early and watching a show together. One date night during a commercial, Kristen began telling her husband about her day. He listened, and when she was done he asked, “Are you done talking at me yet?”
On other occasions, he told her he didn’t want to hear about her friends’ problems, he didn’t want to be “talked at”, and in other ways conveyed that he simply didn’t want to talk with her.
When they went out with friends, however, it was a different story. He would engage with them as if they were saying the most important things in the world. He would listen intently, respond with empathy, and give opinions. Once, after traveling for work, he talked on and on about a man he had met in a bar and how interesting he was to listen to. Baffled, Kristen’s self-esteem dwindled as she grew to believe she was not important.
After their divorce, her husband became quite social, joining groups and gaining certificates in communication. As Kristen formed new relationships in her job and at church, she noticed that others did in fact listen to her. The Unintentional Product of being abandoned as a stay-at-home mom was that she was forced to work outside of the home and was exposed to people who saw her value.
Let’s Discuss
Kristen’s husband purposed to make her feel devalued so he would not have to be bothered with her need for companionship.
He confused her by acting one way in public and another way in private.
By engaging with others, he showed that he was capable of positive interaction, but he wasn’t going to give it to her.
How is Partnership Different?
Partners care about each other’s interests, even if they are not particularly interested themselves.
Partners work to meet each other’s needs, not avoid them.
Partners make each other feel safe and valued.
Types of Abuse:
This example shows emotional abuse.
3. They are doctor-avoidant.
They do not want their behavior reported, so they use threats, coercion, or criticism to keep victims from seeing doctors or any mandatory reporters. Post-divorce, they may refuse to take children to the doctor and put them in danger of a health crisis (this is to hurt the partner) or take them to the doctor claiming the partner refused to do it. The doctor will never know the truth if the victim doesn’t have a relationship with the practice due to being too afraid of her husband’s retaliation to take her children to the doctor.
Real Life Example:
Becky* and her family had planned a camping trip with several other families. It was Monday of the week they were supposed to leave when their son came down with a severe sore throat. It was so painful to him that he could not swallow but had to spit in a cup. Becky knew her son rarely had a sore throat, and for him to be in so much pain was not normal. She decided to take him to the urgent care. When she told her husband, he quicky criticized her in front of their children for “always running to the doctor.” Becky was confused, since her husband had his own medical issues and took care of them immediately. He told her not to take him. Her Christian upbringing taught her to be submissive to her husband, and though it was difficult, she believed God would forgive her for going against her husband’s will.
When he went outside to the barn to do some work, Becky left with her son and headed to the urgent care. Knowing her husband would be livid when she returned, she trembled as she drove. Upon examination, both mono and strep were suspected, and her son was given strong antibiotics, which helped within a few days and they were able to go on their planned camping trip.
After their divorce, Becky could recall many times when her husband had criticized her fiercely for wanting to get medical attention for either herself or their children. It was freeing for her to see her doctor when she needed to once she was single. When she went the first time, she explained to her doctor that she hadn’t been allowed to get medical care when she needed it, and he gazed at her with such compassion that she cried. The Unintentional Product of being kept from the doctor gave her insight as she became a doctor herself! She can now notice these subtleties and offer support to a woman in trouble. In addition, Becky began to go to a church that taught about healthy partnerships and that God wants her and her children to be safe, healthy, and valued. Husbands who keep their wives from being healthy are NOT Biblical husbands.
Let’s Discuss
Becky’s husband never said that she could not go to the doctor; instead he criticized her in front of their children so that she would be too afraid to go.
He did not provide a sense of safety for his family, and he devalued their concerns.
When he took care of his own health issues but not his family’s, he indicated that he was more important than they were and that he deserved care and they did not.
How is Partnership Different?
Partners care about each other’s health and well-being. They do not put them in harm but protect them from harm.
Partners will do anything to keep children safe and healthy, even if they are not their own biological children.
Partners consult each other and work together to ensure children learn how to care for themselves so that they do not neglect their own health as adults.
Types of Abuse:
This example shows psychological and medical abuse.
4. They act paranoid that they are being watched, but they use surveillance on you.
This is probably due to knowing that they are not normal and not wanting anyone to find out. This shows a lack of the ability to trust, but they use it to pretend you are untrustworthy.
Real Life Example:
Marie’s* husband was in IT, so he took care of all of their family technology. He knew which computers to buy, how to update them, and how to fix them when they malfunctioned. Marie trusted him completely. He covered the cameras on all of their laptops, and he made sure everything was top secret. He did not share his passwords with Marie, and he used several variations of his name and email addresses, claiming it was for internet safety.
As their marriage became rocky, Marie began a prayer group. The group met over Skype one morning per week, and the purpose was only to pray for their husbands. Marie began to open up about some things that didn’t seem right in her marriage. Strangely, Marie’s marriage actually started to get worse! Periodically, her husband would refer to something that he couldn’t have possibly known because he wasn’t there when she had said it. One day, after someone had suggested that he might have narcissistic traits, Marie looked into it online. A few days later, her husband used the words that she had found in her search about narcissism in reference to her. Now she knew something was fishy because she had never heard words like “gaslighting” before, and now here he was using them. It was as if he had read the article with her. She would later find out that, in fact, he had.
Marie went to her pastor, who connected her with a woman at her church who had been spied on by her husband. After talking with her, Marie wondered if that was the answer.
After their divorce, Marie still couldn’t shake the feeling that her husband was listening to her, so she took her laptop to a store to have them look for anything unusual. They did not find anything, so she went home and started to remove the software they had used to check her computer. That’s when she saw a download called a keylogger. She quickly looked up what a keylogger was, and her fears were confirmed. She checked the date of install; it was three years prior.
The Unintentional Product of being spied on was that Marie became aware of the potentials of technological abuse, and she learned how to become savvy at creating her own technology safety through 2-step verification and other tools.
Let’s Discuss
Marie showed unbridled trust in her husband, while he did not trust her at all.
He invaded her privacy and made her feel unsafe long after the divorce was final.
He respected his own privacy but not hers, indicating that he was trustworthy but she was not.
How is Partnership Different?
Partners trust each other. Period. Someone who constantly accuses you and feels the need to track your whereabouts at all times likely has trust issues.
Partners give space and autonomy. They have their own interests and want you to have yours.
Partners know each other’s technology passwords and have nothing to hide. Hiding is a red flag.
Type of Abuse:
This example shows technological abuse (and let’s face it, many others).
5. They decide the roles in the family.
Expanding on the first point, many abusers will decide on family roles, chores, and responsibilities without consent or discussion from their partners. After a divorce, this is often used to claim the victim neglected her role or was not a good parent.
Real Life Example:
Anna’s* husband decided on the roles in their family: he put her in charge of the kids and home, and himself in charge of working and the outside of the home. Anna completely truster her husband and did not see this as abuse at first but of leadership. As their kids grew, however, Anna found that this dispersement of roles was causing confusion and conflict.
One day, Anna’s family was at the dinner table and their two small children were fooling around. It was not something Anna found annoying or inappropriate—they were just being kids—but her husband quickly turned to her and said, “Why are you letting them do that?” Anna was confused. He was sitting right there; if he didn’t like what they were doing, why did he address her instead of the children?
She became nervous and quickly told the kids to stop what they were doing, yet she felt she had betrayed her kids because they really weren’t doing anything wrong.
After their divorce, Anna continued to parent with the expectation she felt was appropriate for their kids, making sure they always knew what the expectations were. The Unintentional Product of their divorce was that she could finally relax and trust her parenting, give the kids clear guidelines, and make sure they were safe from abuse, at least while in her home.
*Anna’s husband did use this role definition in the courtroom to claim that she had not done her job as a parent. She will never know if this accusation had anything to do with the outcome of their settlement.
Let’s Discuss
Anna mistook abuse for leadership, and her husband used that to move the goalpost so she couldn’t relax.
He used unclear expectations to maintain power. Unclear expectations are a red flag.
He put her down in front of the kids, causing confusion and post-divorce disobedience.
How is Partnership Different?
Partners decide things together, and they never use decisions against each other.
Partners want their children to feel safe and have clear expectations. Moving the goalpost is a red flag.
Partners help each other. No one is able to do their job 100% of the time, and to expect this is a red flag.
Types of Abuse:
This example shows emotional and verbal abuse.
I hope this article was helpful in naming some of the odd behaviors in an unhealthy relationship. Know you are not alone.