Not Goodbye, but Stay Tuned

Some people are naturally more resilient than others; it’s just in their makeup. Some people develop resiliency because they have much-needed social support. Others can have as much support and as many resources as possible but they refuse to heal. The latter are the group that will always elude me, but I know ultimately those who want to heal will heal. They will seek out what they need and find it.

Five years ago when I began my journey as a “suddenly single” woman, I had no words to put to my situation. When I started ourvoicesrise.com (a little over 2 years ago), other people were starting to describe abuse in a more articulate way than I could ever do. As I told my story and shared the resources that helped me, the internet began to explode with examples, testimonies, and help for the things I (and many women I have come to know) were experiencing. I realized recently that the information I was looking for five years ago is available in abundance today. I share my favorites on my Resources page.

That said, I still think there is much work to do in our churches, legal system, and society to recognize and assist people who have been abandoned. Many of them end up spanning the gap from being part of a middle-class family to being homeless, uninsured, and alone. They need unique assistance with finances, information, trauma therapies, and of course, social support. They may lose many friends due to divorce not being an ideal situation in the church and leadership not knowing how to deal with it or coach the congregation. It is a very difficult topic to address because, as I have said many times, men don’t abuse their wives in church pews. Abuse happens in isolation, and often it seems easier to believe a woman is overreacting than it is to believe that a man who seems so nice can go home and treat his family in ways we would never allow strangers to treat us—sometimes criminal ways. It is very hard to explain to people (which is why I used to look online for examples of what was happening to me; now they fill books and podcasts).

When I become an Occupational Therapist (class of 2028), my hope is to work with the physical and neurological expressions of emotional trauma and help restore hope and happiness in the things my patients once loved. In my personal life, I have already begun and will continue to support the “suddenly singles” in my church and in the body of Christ. As for Our Voices Rise, this project has done more than I ever expected when I sat down one winter night and learned how to create a website.

In writing my story, I was able to see where I still needed to work on forgiveness of myself, others, and God. I was also able to see the bigger picture as I retraced the story of my engagement, marriage, and divorce. I was able to testify to God’s goodness and provision. I saw where I was still angry and could stand to let go, as well as where I needed to pick up the mantle and fight for others who can’t us their voices yet due to still being in the situation. I went through periods of discouragement as few people commented on my posts, but then encouragement as I watched my site analytics climb. I was awakened to how many victims still could not share that they were even reading my posts, bringing me full circle to the reason I had started the site in the first place: to be a voice for those who cannot yet speak.

As I spoke with leadership from different churches, I was able to see challenges from their point of view, hear the questions they had, and understand that the lack of support comes mostly from a lack of understanding. These conversations have given rise to ideas of how I can be a leader in social support by simply noticing people who sit alone in church and approaching them, asking if they want to sit with me, helping them connect. Since I know what it’s like to both have a family and to walk into events alone, I have the unique ability to connect the two groups. We must understand that we could be in one or the other at any time. We cannot have “Cupbearer’s Syndrome,” my coined phrase for forgetting what it’s like to have unmet needs and then ignoring others’ after ours have been met.

Finally, as I worked on this project, I found so many people in my community who are genuinely glad these issues are being addressed within the body of Christ. My experience has taught me to quickly recognize the abuse that was so normal to me my whole life so that I do not fall prey to it again. I found my way to a church that holds a Biblical view of marriage partnership and relationships. By sharing this information as it revealed itself to me, I hope it has been and continues to be useful to others who need it.

Through everything, there has been one stability in my life, and that is Jesus Christ. People will fail us, relationships may be disappointing, and we will all get things wrong at times. But I’ve seen redemption, forgiveness, and healing that will continue as long as I pursue it. God has never been anything but faithful. Things are rarely black and white, and my hope is to encourage abandoned or hurt Christians to seek out our savior again. I have clung to Him for dear life and He has shown Himself the most faithful and true friend.

I didn’t know where this project would lead when I started it, and it certainly came with surprises. Mostly, I have experienced healing through writing, I’ve seen others encouraged, and I’ve seen leaders rise up to meet these named challenges. As I begin a new chapter in my life by going to OT school, I anticipate being very focused on school and will have to set this project aside for now. Maybe its purpose has been accomplished. Maybe I will be able to add things here and there. Maybe it will become an integral part of my education and future career. I don’t yet know, and I suspect it will be a surprise and adventure to me! Regardless, I will leave the site up and will add resources as I find them. Please continue to share with those who will benefit from the information, and may the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you.