Kristen*

*Name has been changed for safety reasons.

Kristen’s* husband claimed to be an introvert. He did not like to be talked to in the morning, as he needed time to wake up. He said he was not awake until 10am. She honored that by talking to him as little as possible as he got ready for work. He also did not like to be talked to after work, as he said he needed time to wind down. This was harder for Kristen; she was an extrovert and craved time with others. She was depleted from being with the kids all day, as that is not the same as having adult interaction. But she still tried to honor his request. One night per week, they had a date night which involved sending the kids to bed early and watching a show together. One date night during a commercial, Kristen began telling her husband about her day. He listened, and when she was done he asked, “Are you done talking at me yet?”

On other occasions, he told her he didn’t want to hear about her friends’ problems, he didn’t want to be “talked at”, and in other ways conveyed that he simply didn’t want to talk with her.

When they went out with friends, however, it was a different story. He would engage with them as if they were saying the most important things in the world. He would listen intently, respond with empathy, and give opinions. Once, after traveling for work, he talked on and on about a man he had met in a bar and how interesting he was to listen to. Baffled, Kristen’s self-esteem dwindled as she grew to believe she was not important.

After their divorce, her husband became quite social, joining groups and gaining certificates in communication. As Kristen formed new relationships in her job and at church, she noticed that others did in fact listen to her. The Unintentional Product of being abandoned as a stay-at-home mom was that she was forced to work outside of the home and was exposed to people who saw her value.

Let’s Discuss

Kristen’s husband purposed to make her feel devalued so he would not have to be bothered with her need for companionship.

He confused her by acting one way in public and another way in private.

By engaging with others, he showed that he was capable of positive interaction, but he wasn’t going to give it to her.

How is Partnership Different?

Partners care about each other’s interests, even if they are not particularly interested themselves.

Partners work to meet each other’s needs, not avoid them.

Partners make each other feel safe and valued.

Types of Abuse:

This example shows emotional abuse.