Emily*

*Name has been changed for safety reasons.

Emily’s* husband required her to follow a strict budget, keep all of her receipts, log them into a separate spreadsheet, and never move money between accounts or envelopes. She often wondered why he didn’t log his receipts, but when confronted he always had an excuse. At times, he would burst into the room while she was reconciling the budget and tell her he was going to take over the budgeting because she could not do it right. A baffled Emily would step away from that role, only to be charged with it again later. Since she was frequently accused of not doing it “right”, she became hyper-diligent and fearful of making mistakes.

After their divorce, her husband, who had doubled his salary, did not follow a budget at all and convinced the kids that mom “just wanted everyone to do things her way.” He also developed severe financial problems, while Emily, continuing to use their budgeting system post-divorce but without fear and stress, managed to pay her attorney, their daughter’s college tuition, their son’s sports fees, and buy a home, all on a part-time job and child/spousal support. In retrospect, the Unintentional Product of this behavior was that he actually helped his victim become financially independent after leaving her, while he sank into financial ruin by not following his own rules.

Let’s Discuss

  • Emily’s husband told her what to do instead of having a discussion with her about roles.

  • He punished her by taking away her responsibility, as if it were a parent-child relationship.

  • Instead of noticing that Emily needed help (she didn’t, but go with me for the sake of discussion) and coming alongside her to meet their budgeting goals as partners, he chipped away at her self-esteem.

How is Partnership Different?

  • Partners discuss roles. One person making the decisions and doling out jobs is a red flag.

  • Partners ask questions about why things don’t seem to be working as discussed. Again, discussion MUST precede this. Punishment is a red flag.

  • Partners come alongside so they can each use each other’s strengths to build the entire relationship up instead of pointing out another’s weakness and using it to damage her self-esteem. A house divided against itself will fall, as demonstrated in this real-life example.

Types of Abuse:

This example shows financial, verbal, and emotional abuse.